Blog 2: Year of Firsts, Starting with Father’s Day

June 16, 2019, 8 days after my dad’s celebration of life and his birthday:

 It’s just another day. It’s a Sunday, following yesterday, Saturday. I am going to wake up and workout. Go about my day. And end my weekend, on a Sunday.  It’s just another Sunday. 

These are all things I told myself all last week. That it was like any other day. I’d battle sadness and grief and miss my dad like every other day because despite what the calendar says June 16 was supposed to be, it was still just another day, right? Boy was I wrong.

I woke up on Father’s Day, and I was okay actually. I wanted to stay in bed, sleep in with my boyfriend, but instead I found myself waking up to an alarm to go to the gym. I made myself breakfast. I drank my pre workout, pulled up to the gym, thinking, wow! look how good I’m doing today!…only for the gym to be closed. That’s when it hit me: it’s Father’s Day…and in my mind, to me that meant it’s been 9 weeks and 3 days since I lost the best man I’ve ever known, my best friend, my supporter, my go to, my rock, my everything…my dad. And it’s Father’s Day. And the gym is closed. F%^$  today! 

So I drive home, with my skin tingling and my energy soaring from the pre workout, annoyed, and I can feel my anger rising. My boyfriend who hasn’t even had time to drink his coffee yet, asks me what happened. As I began to ramble, the tears tart pouring down my face, and the anger/sadness overwhelms me. Here I was, just trying to be productive, take care of myself like everyone keeps telling me I HAVE to do(eye roll), and get a good workout in, and I couldn’t even DO THAT!

After spending the next 2 hours contemplating what we were going to do for the rest of the day (decisions are hard for me on good days now, but on bad days, they’re impossible), we got in the car and drove to the store. I get some more flowers to add to my garden for my dad, and we get a few things for a trip to the river. Then plans change. Great! Today is JUST GREAT!

The plans were good plans. Something still fun. Why can’t we just choose something AND DO IT?! Why does he have to work tonight..ON FATHERS DAY!? Why can’t anything work out? Why can’t he tell what I need?! Why is today EVEN A DAY?!

As you can imagine, this day just progressed into a whirlwind of emotions, mostly negative. I did get to go to my sister’s house, and watch my nephew play in the sprinkler. I bought my sister and me drinks from a coffee stand, and grabbed one for one for my dad too…decaf black, of course.  My boyfriend and I spent some time together. I went to dinner with my sister and two other girls my age that both recently lost their dad as well. All was fine, in retrospect. But I remember Sunday night thinking about how awful I had been to my boyfriend, to myself, and how sad it’d make my dad if he knew I was sad, and that the sadness was also making me angry and irritable. Honestly, I am sparing many details of how actually awful Sunday was, and all the disgusting thoughts of negativity, sadness, and anger I actually experienced. I’ll let your own mind wander and fill in the blanks. 

So to be honest with ya’ll…I felt myself going somewhere ugly on Father’s Day. I was thinking the worst, driving my own mind crazy, talking rude to people who didn’t deserve it, irritable, on edge, angry, and upset my significant other didn’t know what I needed when looking back, I didn’t even know what I needed. 8 days prior to Father’s Day, it was also my dad’s birthday (so adding to the list of firsts: his first birthday since losing him) AND his celebration of life. I have not felt ready to make a blog about this yet, although I will. But, before his birthday, I felt as though I was doing “okay,” or as okay as I could be all things considered. But 2 days after his birthday, I felt myself taking 10 steps backwards. Crying every day, sometimes uncontrollably, feeling hopeless, making myself physically sick from the grief, unable to work, skipping the gym, feeling depression I’ve never experienced, anxiety through the roof, and just completely overtaken by loss. So, on Father’s Day, all the sadness turned into anger, frustrating, irritation, and I just felt myself sliding somewhere I knew I shouldn’t be going…nor would my dad want me to go there. 

So, Sunday evening, I asked my sister to make me a grief counseling appointment.

I knew eventually I’d need to go. I think counseling is important, essential even. I have given friends and family the encouragement to go in the past, and I’d like to always attempt to practice what I preach. But the last 10 weeks, I just haven’t felt ready to make that step. And Sunday, I felt like I still wasn’t ready, but I doubt I’d ever be. So, I decided to be brave and ask for help from my sister, and make the appointment for me or else I’d never do it.

The following day, I went to my first appointment. I am not ashamed to write I have started grief counseling. I am proud actually. I would not say I am “excited,” because counseling actually terrifies me, and who wants to go to grief counseling? But I AM looking forward to helping myself in ways I could not do alone or in ways family/friends could not do. I owe this to myself, to my loved ones, and to my dad. In my opinion, that took courage and strength for me to step into that room…it’s only been 10 weeks, you think I WANT to face the reality of my new life? No. But I did it. 

So for anyone reading this who has chosen to go to grief counseling, I applaud your strength. For anyone reading this who has not taken that step yet but is considering it, I applaud you. And for anyone reading this who has not considered counseling, I still applaud you. Regardless of where you’re at, if you’re reading this…I applaud you, because that means you’re going through something tragic and ugly, this thing called grief, and today you did something for yourself still by taking time to reach out to me and share your emotions and grief with me. 

Looking back, I thought Father’s Day would look SO different. I thought I would be able to share memories of my best friend, I’d eat seafood (his favorite), wear bright colors (like he did), and smile in his memory (like I know he’d want me to). But grief is not so kind, is it? The reality of grief for me and my first Father’s Day was just this: it sucked. It was awful. I was awful. Grief hurts. Everything hurts. I don’t know a damn thing about grief. I only know what I experience, and how I get by. But I will be blunt and let ya’ll know that just because I write about grief doesn’t mean I feel like I am “good at this.” Actually,  I feel awful at it and don’t know how it will ever feel any lighter on my heart. Some days I can look at photos, or maybe I am feeling brave and will watch a video, and smile. Other days, I even take a glance at a photo and the pain is too much to stomach and I fall apart for the rest of the day. But if there IS one single thing I have learned about grief, and this heartbreaking process, it’s that you must let yourself do what you NEED, feel what you need to FEEL, in that moment, and not hold back. I have cried at work. In the store. In the car. At a bar. As I fall asleep, while I sleep, and I have also woken up crying. I have also felt numb. I’ve felt nothing on days I wanted to feel everything. I’ve felt anger, hopelessness, and confusion. And I am trying my very best to embrace whatever I wake up feeling, because every day is different. 

So, I encourage anyone reading this to embrace the way you PERSONALLY need to grieve. It could be similar to mine, or it could be different in every way. Maybe you lost someone/something very recent, or maybe its been 5, 10,  or 20+ years ago…regardless of what stage you’re at, be kind to yourself. This was my first of many going into the year, and I am going to let myself embrace those firsts like I hope you all do, no matter how ugly or beautiful that first may be. 

• 

•